Why Love Makes Us Ignore Red Flags

Picture: Gatsby and Daisy dancing 

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There’s a particular heartbreak that doesn’t only feel painful. It feels embarrassing.

Not just: “I miss them.” But: 

• “How did I not see this?”
• “How did I excuse so much?”
• “Why am I only understanding it now?”

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This is why The Great Gatsby hits a nerve. Gatsby didn’t love Daisy as she was. He loved what Daisy represented: redemption, status, belonging, the dream made real.

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And that’s the point.

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Often, we don’t fall in love only with who someone is. We fall in love with who we hope they could become—and what we hope love will finally give us.

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People always say: “If it was real love, you would have known.”

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No. Many intelligent, emotionally aware people ignore red flags—not because they’re naïve, but because bonding changes perception.

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We fall in love with the potential and the promise of the version of someone that fits the life we long to create. And when hope is involved, the mind becomes a skilled editor.

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The “Hope → Editing → Attachment” Cycle 

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Hope / Dream

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Selective Attention (we notice what fits)

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Editing Reality (we soften what doesn’t)

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Attachment Deepens

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Cognitive Dissonance (something feels “off”)

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Bargaining (“It will change if I…”)

    ↓

Clarity (the film plays differently)

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This isn't a weakness. It’s the nervous system protecting the bond.

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The chemistry of “soft delusion”

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When we bond, the brain releases neurochemicals that intensify focus, longing, and attachment. In that state, it becomes easier to justify what you normally wouldn’t.

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So you tell yourself:

• “They’re just stressed.”
• “They didn’t mean it.”
• “It will get better once…”
• “This isn’t who they really are.”
• “I know what they could be.”

That’s not stupidity. That’s attachment. Attachment is loyal—even when reality is inconsistent.

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When we bond, the nervous system recognizes someone as “home.” So when they’re gone, your system doesn’t just miss them emotionally—it searches for them biologically. That’s why grief can feel obsessive, physical, and mentally consuming. If you want a science-based explanation of why this happens, the American Psychological Association breaks down how grief changes the brain here.

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Gatsby’s lesson: the fantasy can be more addictive than the person

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Gatsby wasn’t only devoted to Daisy. He was devoted to the idea that love could rewrite the past. That’s what many people are really holding after a breakup:

• the hope that this love would finally prove “I’m chosen”
• the belief that consistency would arrive “once we get past this phase”
• the fantasy that if you love correctly, they’ll become safe

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So the real question isn’t “Why did I miss it?”

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It’s this: What did I need this relationship to mean? Because meaning is what creates the spell.

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A practical tool: Dream vs. Reality Exercise (so you stop doubting yourself)

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I understand how overwhelming it can feel when all the voices in your head contradict each other. Here is how I guide my clients in session: 

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Take a paper and draw two columns:

• Column 1: Potential (the promise you fell in love with)
• Column 2: Pattern (what they repeatedly showed over time)

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Be honest, not harsh. In Column 1, write what you kept investing in—the “eventually,” the hope, the version of them you were waiting for. In Column 2, write what happened consistently, not occasionally. This isn’t about blame. It’s about clarity—so you stop negotiating with potential and start choosing based on proof.

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When you see clearly, grief becomes cleaner

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There’s a difference between grief and confusion.

• Confusion keeps you bargaining with fantasy.
• Grief moves.

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When you stop negotiating with what you wish was true, you finally grieve what is true. It still hurts—but it’s clean. And clean grief heals faster.

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The Anagenesis lens

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Hope is not your enemy. It’s part of your beauty.

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But hope without clarity becomes self-abandonment. The Anagenesis Method™ isn’t about becoming hard. It’s about becoming honest—without losing your heart. It’s learning to love without editing yourself out.

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If you want a calm, private space to regain clarity—and understand your pattern without judgment:

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Book your 20-minute introductory session now.

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A warm, focused space to name what you’re feeling, get clarity on the pattern, and leave with a next-step plan.